When There is "Another Woman" In Your Relationship!
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When there is "another woman" in your relationship life as you knew it ends!
I have had to address this situation in relationships twice. The first one I said, take him he's yours and went on with my own life. Smart move on my part. He did return when she was five months pregnant with the question" why did I give up on our marriage so easily?" I wish I'd had this flippant answer on the tip of my tongue. "I was on fertility drugs and your girlfriend got pregnant", shows you that time can make anything have its humorous side. She wound up raising four kids on her own and he moved on from one affair to the next. Poor Woman!
The second time I reacted in the common way. I was angry and hurt and lashed out at her and my partner of fourteen years in a way that only someone reacting on an emotional level can do.
I cursed, stomped, cried, wrote her letters and replied with venom when she suggested I move quietly to the side, because she was just what he needed and I was standing in the way of a perfect and never ending love.
Calling me an Ex-girlfriend (After 14 years of living together the word girlfriend sounds a bit silly but I guess the title of Significant Other would have given me to much importance) and a women scorned after knowing him for two weeks through the Internet and a couple of phone calls also raised the hackles a bit more and so I acted like I had lost all reason and took leave of what was left of my good senses. I was a little girl again and somebody was trying to take something I loved away from me.
My rant was, how dare this woman! How dare she say our relationship was broken and worn out, she does not even know me. She does not even know him other than what she built up in her own mind, and that in itself was fantasy one would have laughed at if they had not been on the receiving end of a very painful situation. I thought... how dare she try to take “my man”!
Here are the two biggest failures I made in this situation!
My first and biggest failure the words “my man”!
I have learned in life in a relationship there is no ownership. We are two individuals who have chosen to be together because we love one another.
Great in theory but hard to live by when put to the test of infidelity I know, however it is something we must learn and understand for our own sanity and self-worth.
A partner’s infidelity is not about us, it is about them! We are not responsible for their actions they are. It’s not about our failure to somehow keep the relationship in balance. It is something they are going through we are just caught in the whirlwind.
Second failure was giving someone outside of our relationship the power to dictate verbally or otherwise what our relationship is and where we are.
Never let the other woman convince you that your relationship is broken or worn out, find out for yourself.
She wants him, so she has convinced herself it is your fault that he has wandered!
She is trying to justify that what she is doing by saying, “it is for him”, because you no longer understand or can satisfy his needs.
She will do anything to convince herself and you that this is happening for a reason and he will be much better off with her and you should do the right thing and step aside and let your partner enjoy his new found happiness.
Don’t let these two failures dictate the future of your relationship!
Put the "other woman" in the category she belongs. That of an outsider! Because that is what she is and as long as you can remember that you can deal much more sensibly with the situation at hand.
Start a dialogue with your partner and look at your relationship through a microscope. Talk about the good times and the bad. Listen to each other! Don’t throw it away unless it is beyond repair and you might be surprised that very few things are irreparable. Put away your pride for the moment and tell your partner your honest feelings about him and give him a chance to do the same. Remember love is rarely born in a day nor does it die in a day a few weeks or even months so give it some time; don’t spend the rest of your life thinking WHAT IF…
More on the subject...
- Man Speak, Woman Speak
- Are You The Other Woman - Top Five Ways to Tell
Picture this...You are out with your friends, having a coffee, or drink after work, relaxing and enjoying the company. You look up and spot him amongst the croud. The irresistable stranger you can't take your eyes off. He...
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Food for thought
Okay, so I have a little differant philosophy. I say bust a computer over both of their heads, tie the remaining dangling cords together so they can truely be together, and then just simply say "sorry, I just couldn't help myself." ditto
What I find curious is the other woman alleging that the relationship is broken, since she is the one trying her best to break it. What I would suggest is to ignore her totally, and concentrate all your attention on your man. Don't let the woman distract you. She is nothing in the equation, and so treat her as nothing. When your guy sees you doing that, it will influence his thinking. She obviously wants him, and considers herself a possible candidate and "in Play". Deal her out. Make her know she was never in to begin with. She can only get one over you if you let her. So my advice is don't.
Do you want him back? Do you forgive him? I know you feel like punishing him, etc - but what happens after all has been said? In a year from now, where do you both see yourselves? Will you be together? If he is worth fighting for, then fight for him, but is he? I don't mean to sound improper or anything, but you have to think of yourself and your own options and your future too. You have made big sacrifices for this relationship,and have even travelled to another country, and replanted yourself there. And all for him, and for the sake of the relationship you both have. Can it be saved? Lots of women have had their guy cheat on them, and some of these people have managed to put the thing behind them and mend fences and carry on. Do you believe in giving the guy a second chance? Is he That Guy Still? And does he still have feelings for you?
Will look forward to reading more. Cheers, and take care.
Thanks for sharing so honestly and with a desire to be clear about what is going on for the two of you. It is difficult to stay grounded at moments like this, and perhaps crazy. Your rant perhaps is more normal than not ranting. BUT, I'm not sure there is any right way or wrong way in all of this. Your willingness to explore and discover from my perspective is perhaps more rich than busting the computer over their heads!! I really admire your courage in addressing the issue of he's not "my man." That is such a delicate "issue." How do we let each other be separate and yet interdependent all at the same time. Sort of dance, actually, and one that takes a few years to learn, some people say about twenty years.
Well, I enjoyed this blog immensely and am looking forward to reading the others. Nice to meet you.
Vern
I too like you have fought this battle. It is a battle well worth fighting but as you aptly detailed there are major mountains within in us to conquer first. I addressed the relationship before the relationship began. I saw it coming and I did not like what I saw.
There is still a close relationship my husband has with her husband and my husband knows I a guarded. The words have been stated, the subject is closed, I remain watchful. I was not about to give another female any power in our relationship. You phrased that very well.
One item that I feel is not discussed is the emotional abandonment. This is a constant monster that can destroy a relationship. You are correct in the dialogue - that is the key to preventing the abandonment.
Excellent Hub! Kudos.
I took the boldness once and confronted "another woman" and since then, there has been no intimacy in my current relationship. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation, although remember that everyone's situation is Different!
Thank you for reading my Hub.
Vern, How do we let each other be separate and yet interdependent all at the same time?
For me it’s not as hard as I thought it would be having never had this in past relationships. I have enjoyed the fact in this one there is no problem with my doing things on my own or going to dinner with a male friend. The hard thing to face is when your partner believes having a romantic liaison be it emotional or physical as the separate path. No matter how often they say this is nothing serious it is hard to feel confident and keep the feeling it is about them not about you, because you feel your relationship is threatened
GmaGoldie, CMCastro, Emotional abandonment are the right words for what one feels in this situation and it becomes even stronger when you confront the person outside your partnership. Because the partners reflex action to protect this person from “you” makes you feel even more alone. You say to yourself and in my case I said it to him, “you keep saying you love me but I must deal with this alone and they get your comfort.” Then it becomes hard believe this person really still loves you.
I wish I could feel it is all about him, but what I feel is hate for the other woman, because I somehow feel betrayed by her and by the sheer fact she is a woman. How can she do this to another woman. Why are we women so fast to speak of sisterhood and so fast to do one another in?
Thanks for reading and the feedback Betrayed!
I can really relate to what you are feeling and I bet so can many other women who have ever dealt with this situation.
I have often wanted to do a hub about just that subject. But it is a hard one to really address.
People always say don’t blame the other woman it’s his problem or your problem as a couple and I really do believe that.
However emotionally you don’t react that way. As you said the much touted sisterhood of women does not really seem to exist once you have gone through this experience and I think it is hard for some women to ever really feel as trusting towards other women again. This is sad because women need other women. If this is a stranger or someone outside of your circle of friends I think it easier to get over that feeling. If it is a friend, I do understand the feelings of betrayal.
But the bottom line is the relationship between your partner/spouse. Don’t let someone else dictate what your relationship is, or waste your energy on outsiders. I am positive and the stats and experience back me up that love does not start or die as fast as some would like us to think and affairs don’t so easily become relationships.
I wish you a happily ever after.
I know what you are saying, but that feeling is hard to let go of. She is not a friend and I have never laid eyes on her. But I will take your suggestion to heart. Not too hard to do really because I doubt I would have anything to say to her, other than what I think of her.
Betrayed,
Take also the advice of Thich Nhat Hanh and “Smile, Breath, and Go Slowly.” Think of yourself and your own well being.
I really like this hub. You made a lot of really good points. I had a friend who went through something similar and it was tough for her to grasp.
Thanks for reading and the comments nterry34. It is a hard situation to grasp and often hard to get over. The bottom line is still don"t let someone else determine where you and your partner are or headed.
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DebbieDay 21 months ago
Well said and some very valid points to keep in mind when considering, " Where to go from here."