Moving For Love
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The Internet has enabled us to meet people from all over the planet. We can make friends or catch up with old ones through games, chat, social-networking sites and numerous other resources the Net offers, and sometimes we may even meet someone special and fall in love.
But then you slap your forehead to wake you up from that romantic dream and realize this person lives in another city, state or even further away in another country. At this time, this can sound extremely exciting or downright scary.
The statistics tell us the chances for this type of relationship to work out are in the single digits. However, when you consider the number of people accessing the World Wide Web, those numbers are not really that small.
So Here We Are!
We are assuming this is something serious not just the typical cyber affair for the bored, lonely or insecure and both parties have been honest with each other regarding gender, age and marital status and all other relevant detail and that one or both of you have taken the time and spent the money on international phone calls and have taken the final step and met in person. So, you have crossed that hurdle and decided this is it, I am in love.
Now What!
Well, since both of you live in another country the getting to know each other process is extremely difficult and you are now part of the world called the long-distance-relationship. Be careful! In this stage your common sense seems to be overridden by a whole new being, someone in love and lust.
You are now someone who can barely make it through the day without hearing the voice of your beloved, and you spend your time counting the days until the next visit. Life as you knew it has ended and in many cases along with your ability to think rationally.
They Are The One!
Unless you are independently wealthy or have a job with endless vacation and a terrific salary, you will now notice, this whole relationship is extremely expensive, the calls and the visits have passed the stage of affordable, and something has to give. However you are in love and the thought of living without this person is not something you want to consider. So here it comes one of you has to make a move.
Things To Consider!
Even though this is not a new phenomenon and been done since the first Neanderthal took a partner from another clan to his cave, I am going to point out some of the things you should consider before YOU make a move for love. This list of questions compiled is from personal experience and feedback from Expats.
· My money: The very first consideration for you should be and I know it sounds as romantic as signing a prenuptial agreement but it is a must. What happens if this does not work out? Do I have enough money to come back home and restart my life or live on my own in my new country? And if it does work, do I have enough money to visit home when I want or need to.
· Can I deal with having to learn a new language: Maybe this won’t be a consideration but it can be and not being able to speak the language of the country you are going to is like being illiterate! It is extremely uncomfortable and stressful when you have had a lifetime of being able to express yourself and all of a sudden can no longer understand someone speaking to you, read or write. Life becomes very difficult.
· Can I continue my career or even find a job there: There are numerous things to consider here. The number one is will your education and experience be transferable without further education or at all? Will you be given permission to work? Will you as an outsider even be given the opportunity you may be qualified for?
· Legalities: It may be easy for you to decide to live in another country but reality is something else. The right to live in another country is regulated and controlled. I do know marriage is often the key to help cut a lot of the red tape but no longer a guarantee that can get you in to stay longer than a tourist. The best way to find out what you are up against is to contact their consulate in your country and do a web search for an Expat community in that country. But prepared to do some waiting and stressing. What about children and your rights regarding them in another country? Your legal and financial rights if the relationship does not work out.
· The Culture: This is a tough one because when your tourist phase wears off you are most often confronted with the differences in culture and now your job is to integrate yourself into your new society. Be prepared you may always be an outsider, for some this becomes very difficult and they surround themselves with the Expat community and friends from their homeland, for some it is an interesting challenge.
· Family and friendships: Even though it is low on this list it is one of the most important considerations. You have to ask yourself how this will affect your relationship with your family and friends you are leaving behind. Are you prepared to no longer be part of their day-to-day lives and you theirs? What about your partners’ family? Will they accept you and welcome you with open arms? Can you handle it if this does not happen? Can you deal with a culture that might be too involved in your relationship? Can you deal with missing out on your nieces, nephews or grandchildren growing up without you? Can you deal with you parents aging and you’re not being there when needed? What about children and your rights regarding them in another country?
And On And On And ON...
I don't want to kill that wonderful romantic feeling for anyone, but a little rational thinking is a definite must when thinking about moving to another country for love.
However, I wish you well and hope life brings you all you are hoping for if you decide to take this journey.
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No not on the agenda at the moment! Thanks for reading, Matt.
I did this last year, I didn't see it as a sacrifice, I just followed my heart as I always did. 18 months later and our relationship has ended and I am currently waiting for quotes from shipping companies to get my stuff back to the UK. I am absolutely devastated, pretty much everything that you warned about in tthis article happened to me, whether I would have considered all this had I read it before I left last year I'm not sure. Although it is an EU country it is a greek speaking one, I never fitted in, his mother never accepted me, I always felt judged by her right from day one. I couldn't find a job, couldn't make any friends, I missed everything I left behind so much more than I thought I would, I became so unhappy living here and it caused problems in our relationship. The killer is that it is not the us that destroyed the relationship, before I came here we were great together, it was this country that killed the us. I love him but I cannot be happy in his country.
Dear Aether,
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could offer more in words of comfort but I do know how you feel.
Dear Aether,
I was wondering if there is an Expat community around you? Maybe a website where you can make contact with others in the same situation. This is a good way to make friends and to network, maybe opening up some information for job opportunities. If you want to send me an E-mail I will see what I can find.
Since you are in the EU the problems might be able to be bridged.
Take care,
Silvia
Wow, what perfect timing for me to read this. I am moving to another country next month for four month to be with my boyfriend and we are getting married. Once his visa goes through, he is coming back here with me.
Thanks for reading PurpleOne.
May you both live Happily Ever After.
My boyfriend and me are facing lately problems because he can't take it any more that I am blaming him for being unhappy. And it also doesn't help me to blame him, I just can't help doing it. And I am acually also exhausted trying to fit in, after two years now. I can not accept being an outsider for the rest of my life. The country: Denmark, a tough one when it comes to making local freinds. I do have some international freinds, and they are great, but they also leave, and that is also a bit frustrating, and makes me be more reserved myself, I guess.
The good thing about all this is that I can say, that I have tried. However it is going to end..
Thanks for reading and telling us about your situation.
Sorry to hear you may give up on the relationship, but I do understand fully. I am starting a new web site for people in this situation, maybe you will come by when it is up and share some of your experiences.
Take care and best wishes.
Thanks for your answer, Justsilvie!
I think a homepage on that topic is a great idea.
He almost broke up with me yesterday. We compromised on couples therapy. Hopefully we can brake some unhealthy behavioural patterns. e.g. that I am blaming him. And hopefully I will get some support on issues like who's values count, as it is his surrounding, friends, family, who are here and do change the perception of how things should be. They are nice, but of course on his side with regard to cultural norms. Maybe a neutral person can be a neutral support for both of us.
I hope the therapy helps Klara. I think one thing do your partner should acknowledge if he has not is that you are the one who made the sacrifices to be with him. Maybe if he could walk in your shoes he might see things a bit more clearly.
Thanks for the suggestion! I heard that from others as well, but do you mean that he should move to my country (Austria) for a while? He says he can't becuse he is a therapist and he would loose all his patients. Is there another way to make him walk in my shoues?
By the way things are better now, between us, we are just nicer to each other. Another thing came up for me: I think that if I would get a child here, and we would possibly brake up, get shared custidy, then I would not be able to leave from here without abandoning my children. So I would be stuck here without the relationship I came for, even when he would brake up with me.
That is also pretty crazy, and worth considering befor moving for love. The person in the home country really has all the trumphs in their hands.
Hello again Klara,
Yes, the person in their home country holds all the trumps and the problem is one of you will always be in that situation.
Having children is a major consideration, because you are right if you do break up, the person in their home country will always come out ahead and unless they are willing to let you take their child/children out of the country, which is rare, so you will have to make your life there.
But remember even though the problems can seem monumental, this kind of situation can bring some couples much closer together. They say love conquers all, but that means there has to be some major give and take and the give is always going to be more for those living in their partners country.
I hope the new website will be up by next week. Look forward to having you as a visitor.
Well Hi guys, I have a very big problem.
First of all: I'm egyptian, and I feel in Love with a girl from belgium, we both study law in our countries, I met her when she was on a vacation here in Egypt, we talked alot, And the moment I told her goodbye and hugged her, I realized that she's the one, she's the one I've always been dreaming of, she thinks the same way like I do, we share the same points of views towards the world, we wanna specialize in the same field of law (international law), her family works as lawyers and judges, and my father is a judge in Egypt, about the difference in culture problems, well um not like normal egyptians, infact um one of a small group of open minded guys, who thinks the way that one lives only once, so why don't we have fun in ourlives, within the social limits, and without breaking the law, anyways, my point is um an egyptian tunisian guy, who don't care what a girl wears or does as long as it's approved by the normal society, um not like the others, so she won't find any problem dealing with me, last thing to say, I haven't even sletp for four days thinking about her, and um almost graduating, she will too, And I LOVE her SO FREAKING MUCH, I even wrote poetry about her. I dunno what the hell should I do, I think if she gets married in belgium or something, I might commit suicide!
Hello Ziad,
Are you keeping in contact? If not start there!
Your hub is full of common sense. I agree with a lot of what you said. Cultural differences do cause problems in a relationship as well as language barriers. It is so easy to get carried away with the romance and excitement of moving away to start a new life for love, when the reality kicks in though, it is a different matter.
Thank you for reading and the feed back love is hurt. Reality is a real Romance Killer sometime, so it best to go armed with information and a plan. *smile*
Hi JustSilvie, it has been ages that I was looking for more infos about this topic and could not find anything specific on the web. So I love your idea of a website just for that, I look forward to seeing it live! I also have a boyfriend who wants me to move in with him in his country and after much consideration, I think that unfortunately I will not. My situation is different though as we have already lived together and know each other for four years now so I think we are making a well- thought decision. I think that most of the people who simply tell us "if you love him/her you will go through it" are normally the ones who never tried it and never experienced anything like this before, therefore have no real clue. I think that the decision has to be taken by the person only. I think that first of all, you have to get as much information as possible about the country you will be living in and have children in. The web nowadays allows you to connect with foreigners who already live there permanently, possibly with your own nationals. Then visit and try to imagine yourself in that country and culture with your partner (and maybe his family and your children) for the rest of your life. Would you be able to deal with that? Then decide. It is certainly not an easy decision and I think that it is based on very personal factors (how much travelled and adaptable we are, how well we already know the language and the culture, at what stage of our life we are, etc....) In any case, good luck to you all!!!!!
Thank you for reading crimt and giving us a look into your situation. I totally understand your feelings. This is a huge decision that will affect the rest of one’s life and we really need to consider the many aspects involved.
I am not sure how you and your boyfriend will reconcile this but I hope there is a solution that will work for you both.
The site Moving For Love will be online by September 1st. Please come visit us. Your input will be invaluable to many.
Take care and good luck.
You ve given detailed information and useful advice. You must have had wealths of experience on this matter. Bless you voted useful
Thank you for reading and the kind feedback ubanichijioke.
Hi, is the site moving for love online? thank you
Hi crimt! I have had to pull it for more work. We are trying for a live date of November 1, 2011. Hope you will visit us then.
Hi JustSilvie, I am so glad you have this topic up. It is the main criteria I'm currently using to evaluate moving for love. I met my boyfriend three months ago via the internet. We both know we are in love and we want to be together so bad. We haven't met in person yet but he is visiting in April to meet me for the first time: I can't wait!
We have talked about moving and I decided that I would move to his country for more reasons than one. I googled about it and found you. I'm scared about it because this means I'll be leaving my friends and family, my job security and my culture. I'll have to learn a new language and face racial discrimination. I already know the family will not accept me. The day he hinted about a black girlfriend, he's white and Jewish, the mother asked if he wants to kill her. When he told his sister about me, she was accepting of me but said they'll have to paint me white before introducing me to his parents as his mother will surely die!
I want to be with him, I wish he could move here but his army contract ends in two years and since this is the army, one does not just up and leave.
Do you have any further words of advice for me? I would like to know if it is even a good idea to move. I was planning to move later on this year before his birthday which is in November.
P.S: He can only make one trip here as can I to his country. So we'll have met only once for two weeks before living together.
Mimi, thanks for reading.
It is hard to give advice to someone when you really don’t know the entire story, but making such a major decision in such a short relationship may be a major mistake.
One two week visit is not enough to evaluate if you are compatible. I can only say take it very slow and really, really, think of all you have to give up to be in this relationship. If you come from a very close family culture and go into one where you are not welcomed and accepted can you deal with this?
I would make a list of all the plusses and negatives and really consider what I was doing.
Remember the Internet makes many relationships much more exciting and intimate than real life often does, so please just proceed with caution.
I wish you all the best. Please let me know how it all turns out.
Thank you for this post it definitely hit home. I have recently moved to NZ for love. I never really gave it much thought priory to the move instead i followed my heart and to be honest if I had I probably would have still completed the move. Prior to the move everything was running smoothly and my relationship with my partner was fantastic. However from the moment we arrived here things changed. The dinamic of the relationship changed. My partner became less interested in "us" making the move and more interested in him catching up with old friends and establishing a life for himself that I feel that he has forgotten that this was a joint decision. It is almost as if he has slipped back into his old life in NZ and completely forgot about the fact that he is in a longterm relationship. The amount of daily affection has also dropped and I feel that he see's me as a bit of a burden. This might have to do with the fact that I am dependent on him not only for company but also financially. I have started to feel like a needy insecure woman craving for my partners attention and proof of commitment. However if I bring up the topic and ask him if there is any particular reason for the change in behaviour his answer is "I don't know," I understand that there is slot of pressure on the relationship and once I start my job next week (which I am not ecstatic over as it is not online with what I want and love) some issues will ease. I am very close to giving up and moving back home but have a fear that one day I will regret it.
Ruby, Thanks for reading and telling your story.
Starting the job is a major deal and will change your outlook immensely. It may not be the job you wanted, but as you probably know it is always easier to find a job when you have one.
Hang in there and see how you feel after some months on the job.
I wish you much luck and happiness!
Matt 19 months ago
How about a leaving the country article?